The Bakers Dozen

The Baker's Dozen: A Clan Christmas Cooking Catastrophe!

Every year, those on Earth pay heed to a very special day, when gifts are given to all. They eat more than they would normally do, foods they only have at that time.

This story is how a group from Clan Short decided to learn something new, thus causing most of the older members of the Clan to seek shelter.

How to make Christmas Cakes... why should others run in fear from this?

Just wait until you see who Tommy has to try and teach!

Levi bounced along the corridors in CIC, not really paying much attention to what he was doing or why, but just enjoying the feeling of bouncing. Christmas was only a few days away, now, and all of his brothers and friends and sisters in the Clan were getting more and more excited. If he was honest with himself (which he mostly was, to be fair) he would tell anyone that asked that he was getting excited too! A very special day to spend with his very special family, and most especially with his two boyfriends, Kevin and Joel. He really hoped they would like the gifts he had gotten for them.

In the Rec Room, Joel was also bouncing, not bothering to hide his own excitement about Christmas. Kevin was just watching tenderly from the sofa as his energetic husband more or less bounced off of the walls of the room, as well as off of any stray body that came to close. Each of these, the Vulcan would hug and kiss before going back to bouncing.

Timmy and his gang of mischief makers were laughing at their silly uncle's antics when a good idea came to the red haired boy. He got up quickly and sped off in search of one of his uncles.

In the kitchen, the little fire-ball found his target and pounced full force onto Tommy's back. "Unca Tommy! Unca Tommy!"

"Imp!" Tommy giggled as he pulled the boy around to cuddle properly. "What do you want this time?"

"To make a cake!"

With a nod, Tommy asked, "And what type of cake?"

"A special Christmas Cake, and I want Unca Joel to help!" the boy informed his uncle seriously, with a wide, lovely smile on his face. "He's getting silly in there and maybe making cakes will help!"

With a nod and a kiss, Tommy informed the loving, impulsive ball of energy that he could go and get Joel so they could start on the delicious treats. As the boy jumped down from his arms to trot off on his mission, Tommy called him back. "I've got a better idea. Let's make a huge cake, as well as a few others as well. We can send the cakes to all the divisions. Go and get those you want to help. About a dozen or so should do."

"Wassa 'duzz'n', Unca Tommy?" Timmy asked, scratching his head.

With a grin, Tommy explained.

Utah - Camp Bam Bam, Daileass main processor room:

Timmy appeared with Levi, and both were giggling. Daileass started to get worried. "Hi, guys," he said with forced excitement in his voice. What were these two doing here of all places? "What's up?"

"Can we borrow one of the guys here to help make cakes?" Timmy asked sweetly. "It's a surprise for everyone else, so I don't want Unca General Adam to know!"

Relieved that it was something as simple as that, Daileass suddenly had a good idea. "I know just the nut... I mean, just the wonderful person to help you! I'll send him over right away."

"Kewl!" Levi grinned before vanishing, taking Timmy with him.

Daileass grinned internally and then messaged his intended victim. "Oh, High Priest Daaaaave!"

Hawaii - Rimmer Headquarters:

Having read frightening reports on his PADD, Prez, the vast majority of Core Rimmers, their sons, almost all the residents of both bases, and the Royal Family evacuated the planet, to Archnania. Only John and Stephen refused to leave. John's cosmically phenomenal N-Gen mind was focused on another goal.

John was enjoying the three mince pies that he had snaffled out of the kitchens under the very nose of his mother without her noticing. Two were gone already, and a third was about to be eaten when Stephen found him. "Your mother is absolutely mad at you, John. She noticed the missing pies!"

"Too late!" John giggled as he made to bite into his last one. He never got to even scratch it, for he suddenly vanished, leaving the pie to fall back to the plate untouched. On top of it, a folded note appeared, which, after getting over the shock, Stephen snatched up to read.

He started giggling before helping himself to the last pie. "Mmmm... good, and I hope these Christmas Cakes will be good too!"

Somewhere in Time and Space, The Tardis floated along without a care in his circuits when someone - no,wait - two 'someones' entered him. If he had eyes he would have blinked. In the Command Room of the Tardis he watched Levi and Timmy appear from no-where, and smiled inside. It was only Levi. Then it dawned on him. Levi AND Timmy! He was in trouble. {Can I be of assistance?} he asked quickly. {Do you require the Doctor?}

"Yes please, Tardis!" Timmy grinned as he patted the console happily.

Between one breath and the next, the Tardis had transmatted the Doctor from his quarters to the Command Room. He was covered in soap bubbles and dripping wet. "What the hell?!" he exclaimed as he span around. "Oh! What's up? Is there something wrong?" he asked quickly on seeing Levi andTimmy there.

He started laughing when he was informed of the plan, and the Tardis was much relieved when all three vanished, courtesy of Levi.

Timmy loose inside the most powerful ship in the Multiverse could have been problematic, he thought to himself.

Quint was not happy. He was grounded to the Continuum, and whilst it was for only a few nano-seconds, to a Q that was an age. So what if he had accidentally bumped into that star when he was playing tag with Chance? It wasn't as if it had hurt anyone. He'd caught it in time, and the folks on that planet had had excellent surfing for a few hours due to the gravity shifts!

But his dad had not listened one iota.

As for Chance, he was also grounded in another part of the Continuum, after Q had talked to his father on Archnania and gotten permission.

Both of them, two good friends and powerful beings, grounded. It just wasn't...

He vanished with a Mikyvis induced 'pop'.

Across the Continuum, so too did Chance.

Utah - Camp Bam Bam:

Juan was on his way to the firing range with his favourite gun when he spied High Priest Dave outside the secondary base making sure that his shiny hat was just so. Then, to Juan's growing curiosity, the boy disappeared by teleport. Now, knowing that Daileass was in charge of the local teleport system for the Unit, Juan sent to the AI-boy, "Where is that crazy, fuzzy ferret off to, bro?"

"To make a Christmas Cake in Orlando. Timmy invited him," came the giggling response. "Well, in fact, it was more I was given the choice, so I picked him. One less of those mad fuckers hammering around my base, the better I'd feel."

Laughing, Juan shook his head and continued on to the firing range.

Then, "Oh, just found out it's all for Joel's benefit... and he's asking for you!"

Out loud, Juan ordered, "Gun back to my locker, Daileass, then get me to my Elf!"

Orlando, CIC:

Joel, now with Juan in tow, was running from room to room picking people to help with the cake. Cory's response was along the lines of he'd watch, but it would be more fun with those who'd never made one before. Their mother had often had him and Mikey helping her make the cakes at Christmas, so he would rather Joel get those who had never done so before. With a nod, Joel had ran off and right into Paulie and Paul. The little blond Vulcan and his older cohort were quick to agree, but Paul also said he'd assist, but not make the cake. Wacko all but demanded, of course, to be a taste-tester.

Which was why, within seconds of Joel giggling his agreement, the son of Spock was surrounded by Slider, Allie, Blackie, I-Cheya and Kataui, all demanding to be taste-testers too!

Riti was flapping high over Silver Ghost Valley with Belar in the flight sling against his chest. Jason and Nathan's little boy was in love with flight, and would go up with him as often as he possibly could. Both were dressed in their VSO uniforms, so there was little air resistance to their peaceful flight, until...

In the air before Riti, causing him to stop flying and hover instead, a boy appeared. Floating. Quint. "You are summoned to a Christmas Cake bake-off..." he said, as Riti and his miniature cohort vanished with a flash of light.

On the ground was Nathan, keeping an eye on his small son and his brother. When another figure appeared near them and then all vanished with a flash of light, he had Draco run a quick trace on Belar and Riti's location: Orlando Main CIC Kitchen.

Nathan was being transported over within seconds.

Gulf Coast Division, Louisiana:

Ranger was outside and enjoying a nice walk when a strange yellow eyed boy appeared with a flash of light. He blinked at him for a moment, before recognising Quint. "What are you up to, trouble maker?" he asked with a grin.

"Have you ever made a Christmas Cake?" came a question in response, with only a wicked grin answering Ranger's one.

"Ummm, lessee. No, I don't believe I've ever done that!"

"Well, then," Quint grinned. "We need one more for the dozen and I think someone older than the rest of us - at least appearing older - would be a good thing! We need someone to control the Doctor, don't we?"

Before Ranger could do more than lift an eyebrow, he was gone in another flash of light.

Orlando, CIC Kitchen:

"Well, that's not twelve, Timmy," Tommy giggled.

"I'm going to help Cory and Paul keep these imps in check," Nathan answered for the scowling red-head.

Timmy stamped his little foot, "If I says thirteen is a duzz'n, then thirteen is a duzz'n!" All the animals there vocalised their agreement, making Tommy laugh all the more.

Joel tapped his favourite Fireball on the shoulder. "TimTims?"

The boy looked up at his Poppa Joel and smiled.

"Thirteen is called a Baker's Dozen, so we really do have a dozen!"

"Kewl! See, Unca Tommy? I knew what I wuz doin'!" the little imp scolded.

"I give, I give!" Tommy grinned, trying to hold back his chuckles. "So... we have Timmy and Belar, Joel and Levi, Doc and Chance and Quint, Ranger and Juan and Dave..."

"Must. Be. Shiny!" the small ferret teen said aloud as he polished the handles on the kitchen drawers, totally oblivious to the goings on around him.

"God, give me strength," Tommy rolled his eyes, then continued, "... Riti and Paulie, my apprentice, and last but by no means least, John!"

"Yay!" Joel giggled, hugging the Hawaiian boy tightly.

"Cory, Paul and Nathan: you guys need to help me keep control... especially with the fuzzy one!" he finished with a hissing whisper. Then, more normally, "I-Cheya, Blackie, Slider... why is that dog half inside the fridge, through the door, Levi?... never mind... Kataui - get a cage, Joel... FAST... Wacko and Allie... you guys are the testers to see if what we make is good enough."


As Joel ran off to find the leash that Mr Scott had used that time on the Enterprise, Slider removed himself from the fridge door (with a box of eggs held in his teeth) and sat on the tribble to keep it from getting into something.

"Oh... you were getting the eggs. Thanks, boy," Tommy smiled as he removed the box and petted the dog.


Juan was just shaking his head. "Not normal, that dog," he murmured to Ranger.

"Interesting, however,"Ranger smiled. "I'd not have minded a dog like that a few decades back."

"He's a good match for our Kyle," Cory put in as he found and tossed a cold cut of some form of meat at the dog in question.

"ASSIMILATE!" Kataui yelled as Slider caught the flying meat. Blackie was at the larger dog's side in an instant, showing the world how real puppy dog eyes should be done! (as only a real puppy CAN!)

As Slider shared his treat (he's a good dog), Cory suddenly caught what Ranger had said. "What on earth were you doing a few decades back that would have needed a dog able to go through walls for?!"

Ranger did not answer. He just smiled innocently.

"I shouldn't have asked," Cory sighed.

"I could tell you, if you want," Nathan giggled, "but I think it'll be more fun when Ranger lets on." Ranger looked at him seriously, but Nathan winked at him, "I said I could tell him, bro. That means I could go and check, but I won't."

Ranger rolled his eyes. "You limeys... I can never get your sense of humour."

"Good!" Nathan grinned.

Paul, probably the most sane of the entire bunch, was seated on a stool and watching as the group milled around, shaking his head. He felt a presence at his side and turned to see the Doctor looking up at him. "Jelly Baby?" the miniature Time Lord offered, holding out a bag of the colourful candy.

Smiling, Paul helped himself, asking, "Why are you one of the 'dozen', Doc? I thought this was for those who'd never made a Christmas Cake before."

With a shrug, and a few sweets thrown into his mouth, the Time Lord answered, "Never made one before."

"You're over a billion years old and you've...?"

"Nope, never. This should be interesting!" the little boy giggled.

"Oh my God, you're a bigger kid than this lot!!"

"'What's the point in being all grown up if you can't be childish at times?'" Lord Gallifrey quoted with a smile, but his eyes were both serious and amused at the same time. "An old Gallifreyan proverb."

"Is that the Clan motto, too?"Paul giggled.

"If it wasn't, it is now!" Cory giggled as he came up behind his 'bratty little brother' and hoisted him up to sit on his shoulders. "Off, you're heavy,bro."

"I'm ten, Cor! I should say you're strong to manage this!" the Time Lord giggled as he held onto Cory's ears gently. "I don't know why Sean needs your hair to hold onto mid-coitus, bruv... these ears are... urck!" He never finished, for Cory had snatched him back down and was busy tickling the Doctor's ribs mercilessly.

Joel arrived back at that point with a padlocked guinea pig cage, a hunting net and a phaser set to stun, all to enable the group present to control his pet tribble.

"You forgot the tranquillizer darts!" Juan commented.

"Stun will work..." Joel muttered as Slider stood up, snatched up the half-squashed but unharmed tribble and shoved him into the cage in Joel's arms -without opening it.

"No it won't," Kataui responded. "Immune to your primitive weapons. ASSIM... thank you, Slider!" the tribble finished, for Slider had kept back a small piece of the cold cut to give to the ever-hungry fuzzy creature.

"Okay!" Tommy called order on the group, at the same time as picking up the furiously cleaning Ferret High Priest and plonking him on his shoulders (with a dirty spoon to clean up so as to keep him there), "I've the recipe around here someplace... Aunt Angela sent it over... I tasted some British Christmas Cake when I was in London..."

"What, at the Battle of Earth?!" Cory asked in shock.

"Of course! I had to make sure I had enough energy, and that shop had been blasted open, and the poor cake was just sitting there, looking all lonely. Couldn't let it go to waste... now, where was I?"

"About to be strangled for not sharing?" Levi offered helpfully.

The southern boy poked his tongue out at Levi before rooting about on the counter. "Ah, here... right.Who wants to read it out?"

"ME! I will, I will! I will give these dull words shinyness!" exclaimed the Ferret on his shoulders, who then showed how flexible and bendable he was by bending over and snatching the sheet of paper from Tommy's grasp without his butt leaving Tommy's right shoulder. "Oh, Great and Most Powerful Shiny! Let this Shiny Recipe be spoken for your Gleaming Glory!..."

Then he coughed and started to readout:

"Shiny Ingredients:
225g/8oz plain... plain? PLAIN! Blasphemy! SHINY flour...
A quarter teaspoon salt.
Half teaspoon mixed AND shiny spice.
Half teaspoon of ground cinnamon.
200g/7oz butter... SHINY, remember... SHINY BUTTER.
200g/7oz dark brown sugar. Mmm... oh, well. TASTES shiny, but isn't. Strange...
2 tablespoons of black treacle...

What's with all the DULL INGREDIENTS, you HEATHAN?!" exclaimed the now furious Ferret as he beat Tommy over the head with the piece of paper. (He didn't want to hurt his Shiny Warrior's brother, after all!)

"George! Are you getting this!" Cory laughed.

"Of course... and I think I just split a core with laughter!" Main CIC's AI replied, giggling.

"NEED. PAPER. BAG," Daileass could be heard, gasping for photonic breath.

"... zzzzpsstz..."

"What was that?" Joel wondered, a grin on his face.

"Alden just broke his voice modulator laughing," George giggled.

Tommy was ignoring all this and was currently fighting with the Ferret to get the recipe back from him, but Dave was having none of it. "NO! I refuse to allow you to dull this up any more than it already is, you backsliding, dull infected apostate! And you had sworn the Shiny Pledge? YOU NEED HELP!" Dave was shouting as he jumped up and down in righteous rage on Tommy's shoulder, holding the paper out of Tommy's reach. "SIT, you Dull Monster! SIT, I say. DOWN, or by the Light of the Great Day Shiny, I'll...!"

Tommy gave up, sat on the stool, and allowed the enraged Ferret to use his head as a seat. "Your penance will be five Hail Shinys and six hours of Shiny Cleaning duty," the irritated teen grumbled as he smoothed out the paper he was holding, before waiting for order to be restored in the room. It took a while, of course, for everyone was laughing so hard they were on their knees. Except for Timmy and Paulie, who were both running for the nearest toilet, their hands gripping the front of their shorts almost painfully to stop themselves wetting their pants in hysterics.

Ark stated into the madness.

The first to calm was Slider. He started grumbling something in a dog language very few people in the room understood. Cory did, and he was close enough to make out the meaning: 'If you ruin Timmy's fun, I'm...'

"Shhh, boy," Cory giggled as he pulled the black dog closer in order to cuddle him. "Timmy's having a blast, and I don't think Daileass was going to send over someone who'd be completely disruptive."

"And I have it on good authority," Joel managed between giggles at the Ferret boy now looking most put out due to the laughter, "that Timmy loves the Ferrets, especially Dave."

"Yeah," the munchkin inquestion said as he returned to the room just behind Slider and his parents. Paulie was a few seconds behind him. "Dave's awesome!" he finished loudly, with a huge grin on his face.

Slider, now somewhat mollified that his familiar-bonded friend's (Kyle) nephew wasn't going to be upset by the fifteen year old Ferret kid, licked Timmy's face.

For his part, Dave was looking rather shyly at Timmy, a pleased yet surprised expression on his face. Not many had called him 'awesome' before. He decided he liked this boy, Timmy; and that red hair was really clean and shiny too!

Calm was regained a few seconds after Timmy's announcement, which meant that Ranger could manage to walk over to Tommy and his Dave-hat. While he did so the recipe that Dave was holding shimmered and suddenly the paper became all bright and shiny. Ranger put his hand on Dave's shoulder, "Oh Dave, you see, the ingredients may seem dull the way they are written. Yet, my dear friend, when they are all mixed together we are going to create a very tasty, very 'shiny', cake for all of us; all Timmy's idea! Isn't that what part of being shiny is all about? Taking all the dull and making something magnificent and shiny out of it?"

Dave pondered that for a moment, the slight blush from Timmy's statement still detectable to those that knew Ferret hybrids well. He bent double again and looked into Tommy's eyes. "Is this Old Boy telling the truth? Will the cake be Shiny?"

"Ummm..." Tommy muttered." It'll taste shiny. It's a surprise type of cake that looks ordinary, even a little dark and dull. Yet it'll taste so great that you'd call it... well, shiny!"

The upside down face of Dave was comical in its sternness. "If it isn't, I'm going to blame you... so watch out." He righted himself. "Where was I? Oh! This 'appearing dull yet really a recipe for a Shiny Christmas Cake' recipe... where did I get up to?" he asked, now totally lost and even worried as to why he was sitting on Tommy's head... then the synapses fired and he remembered, so all was good. He even managed to finish reading out the recipe without too much in the way of hilarity (the others wouldn't have agreed, of course), and then he had hopped down from his 'seat' to help. This meant, in his case, he was standing on the largest work surface in the centre of a large supply of all that was needed to make these cakes.

Tommy had already worked out by how much everything was to be increased to create a minimum of twenty large cakes, as well as a super sized one. He got all thirteen kids, including Dave who was going to be damned if he wasn't allowed to help, working on various aspects needed, then double checked that they had all gathered everything. He frowned at the counter.

Over with Dave, Timmy and Joel and helping them grease out the tins they would be using with butter, Cory called over, "What's wrong?"

Tommy groused, "I had them here! Almonds! Okay, you terrors; who stole my nuts?"

Gales of laughter greeted this outburst, and John retorted through his snorts of laughter, "Don't need yours, bro! I have my own!"

Over by the tribble cage, and looking about as guilty as any Sehlat ever did, I-Cheya quickly stopped feeding the almonds to Kataui through the bars one by one. Kataui, for her part, was being unusually quiet in eating these tasty treats - probably having figured out if she yelled 'assimilate' as per her norm they'd be discovered.

"I'll get more," the Doctor giggled as he ran over to the cupboard.

Within ten minutes, not one of the thirteen kids were in any way clean - least of all Dave and Timmy - and nor were the three of Tommy's helpers. Controlling the chaos was a lost cause, it seemed. But, cakes were being prepared into tins ready for baking nonetheless. John was the one mainly responsible for achieving some form of order in the madness. "It's because of my brilliant mind!" he giggled as the third tin was filled with the mix. "Joel! This doesn't need cookies!"

"But Jooooohhnnnnn!"

"... no."


"But Unca John... EVERYTHING is better with cookies!"

"No, Paulie!"

"Where are the tea-cakes?"

"... again, Ranger? How many of them can a boy possibly eat?"

"As many as my years allow, Mr Doctor!"

"So I should eat a billion?"

"You're not fat enough... although your butt is getting chubby!"

"I'll get you for that, Riti... de-plucking sounds good!"


"Dave? Please don't sit in the mixture!"

"You got me in this suit to keep Shiny Cake from being furred, Tommy! I'll sit my Shiny self where I please!"



"Will you stop feeding my pet those almonds, BoBo!"


"Your Sehlat has a filthy mouth, Lil'Angel'Elf..."

"Tell me 'bout it, Blondie..."

"... if you change your mind, I'm the first in line... honey I'm still free... take a Chance on me..."

"Quint, no. Just no..."


"No buts. My Dad will pitch a fit if I snuggle with a Q!"


"Tiimmmmmyyyyyy!!! You don't lick the bowl until AFTER all the tins are filled!"

"But Unca Nathan!"


"... umm, Juan? Do you want to, say, share with the class?"

"Nope, Ranger. I'm having fun....DIE YOU MOTHA'FAKIN'..."

"What is he doing?"

"Killing a cherry... it offends him..."


"... can we's kill da spwots aftew?"

"No, Bel... you need your greens..."

"But Poppa!"

"I... Can't... Breath..."

"You don't have lungs, Daileass!"

"But... It... Hurts... When... I... Laugh!"

"Hey Chance, your other Dad is my little bro; if you wanna hook up with Quint, I'll kick his shiny little butt if he says anything!"

"See? Even Leev agrees with strip!"

"Quint... I'm warning you... Hey! Levi, give me my shorts back!"

"For the record, I am the sane one of the High Races..."

"Pull the other one, Bratty Little Brother of mine..."

"Shiny butt? Your brother has a Shiny butt?!"

"Down, Dave... just go back to... whatever it is you're doing..."


"You know Quint, I've never seen icing used like that...."

"I have. Sean thinks it's fun!"


"Awww! You made it all vanish!"

"Good one, Chance. You're learning what you can do..."

"Oh, shut up, Doctor. I didn't see you helping..."

"He usually pokes you in the right direction and..."


Teri and Spock were outside of the kitchen, looking worried. For the past two hours there had been noise and worse coming from in there, but it had all gone suddenly quiet.

"Do you believe someone has died and they are afraid of letting us know?" Spock asked his wife quietly, his ear pressed against the door.

Teri shrugged. "Let's see," she said as she turned the handle.

Inside, looking like the biggest collection of angels seen outside of the Pearly Gates, were seventeen kids and teens, six animals of various sizes, twenty three large decorated Christmas Cakes, and one about the size of I-Cheya's mother. "Surprise!" they all yelled, or barked, or huffed, etc.


There was a flash of light near to the massed pack of kids, and Q and Haroldo appeared looking most putout.

"Oh dear," Quint whispered to Levi.

Chance nodded, "Yeah... it's your fault, Leev. We've been busted for breaking our grounding..."

Q was just looking at his son, intensity on his face.

"Christmas Cake, Daddy?"Quint asked, pointing at the mound as a bribe. " It's reeeeeally tasty!"

Haroldo was caught between being angry at his boy or amused... angry that his son had been in trouble twice in one afternoon, but amused due to the fact that he was standing side by side with Quint. And they were holding hands... and both naked. He glanced at Q, who glanced at him, then both shrugged."Could be worse," Haroldo said with a grin.

"Yeah," Q nodded. "My boy might have picked a Mikyvis. That would have been catastrophic!"

"Agreed!" everyone in the room grinned, all except for Joel and Levi. Joel just giggled, while Levi went into full cutie mode.

From outside the room, a number of voices all yelled: "WE HEARD THAT, UNCLE Q!"

Dave, however, was again seated onTommy's head. And munching on a slice of Cake taken from the 'test one' they had made first. "... mmm... mmmmmmmmm.... shinycaaaake..."

The End.